When a Woman Loves a Man

    I have talked about my husband and his ability to love me, and grow with me and continue to change for me and our family in our best interest. I have not talked about how we got here. It has not always been this way. I have not always admired my husband, been proud of my husband or even liked my husband. John hasn't always been my husband because I wouldn't marry him until it was a decision I felt strongly about. Until he was the man I needed him to be. Until I could stand up there and say I do and be a gushing bride and truly mean it. I loved our kids and tried my best to have faith in our future but I couldn't lie to myself to that extent.
    When you are young and in love your brain turns to mush and literally all you consider as comparison to real life are scenes from Romeo and Juliet, or romantic comedies starring your favorite actresses. To be desired and loved and captured by someone was so appealing you would do anything to get it. That was me, I was 17 and in love with the forbidden 20 year old bad boy. My parents strongly disapproved. We snuck around and were convinced that our love was all that mattered in the world. All the while engaging in over dramatic, fights or jelousy and immaturity. Even still I envisioned his love for me, that he would do anything for me, die for me all because he told me he would take me away if my parents wouldn't. What a joke. I was 17 and willing to give up my whole life for this boy, who couldn't keep a job or stay out of trouble to save his life, who yelled at me, called me horrible names was too immature to want good for me, but who "loved me". Who on the first day we met I felt an uncanning connection to. What was it? Was it fate? If it wasn't my mushy hormone induced brain was going to tell me it was. What is was, was an abusive relationship at it's finest and it wasn't just him.
     We of course decided it was too much to lie to my parents to sneak around, I began to feel so torn from the fighting and disapointing them, that I felt my only option was to run away. They didn't really stop me. I don't blame them looking back I was a nightmare. I never did anything right I had already dropped out of school, spent my time with the friends I had left (Johnny was really jelous and controlling) or on my phone. I even kicked my mom out of celebrating my 17th birthday with me and never came home for family cake and ice cream. I spent weekends working, going to parties, drinking, staying out past curfew without calling, sleeping in, sneaking out of my bedroom window to get high, yelling at my mom because she didn't buy me enough, drive me enough, or give me enough. Looking back I deserved everything I got that followed.
     I move out with Johnny we end up staying at his grandmas house for a while and it was great. He made good money we spent all of our time together playing scrabble, watching tv, going on dates, involved in a very "physical relationship". I had a cervical cancer scare which kind of forced my mom to talk to me again. Then I decided I wanted kids just incase the cancer came back or the scar on my cervix would heal to where I couldn't conceive. We got our first place together a big 1800's farm house with a lot of charm and starting trying to conceive. He wanted kids also and agreed it was the best thing. It was once I got pregnant I guess that the pressure was on. He knew he needed to propose and basically his freedom was over. I knew that he was a tempermental unsupportive selfish asshole who refused to help around the house or think about my feelings. I was a naggy, bitchy, clingy over emotional WRECK I had normal teenage hormones that caused me to be phsyco at times and then I added pregnancy hormones. I expected too much from him knowing who he was when I moved in with him. He had an ability to ignore my feelings and emotions completely, call names, and critisize me. Even the night I told him I was pregnant we had a huge fight before and I was scared to be pregnant. Worried that this was a very bad decision.
     From there it was a uphill battle for stability, normalcy and a healthy relationship. I saw my life turning out a certain way and I refused to settle for the life he was willing to give me. He was okay with switching jobs, not paying rent and making irresponsible choices. He was even okay with not being the perfect couple I was not. I wanted to do this right, not be another teenage statistic, be an exception to the rule. Be the sucsess story. We went from place to place I ended up working a little during my pregnancy finding out that I was having twins at 4 months pregnant. WOAH. I was so terrified, because I was so unhappy with my relationship and the dad I chose for my kids, that I would lay awake silently shaking and crying in fear, praying God would miscarry one of them because I just could not imangine caring for two babies on my own. Back then I was on my own with everything besides money. I didn't have a partner, someone to care for me or help me or be there for me. He was there, he stayed he never cheated or stayed out with friends or even technically "did me wrong" but I can tell it wasn't TRUE love he didn't care about me the way a mature, ready, supportive boyfriend would love his pregnant girlfriend... well fiance at the time.
    I truly loved Johnny. Always. I had faith in him. I knew somewhere inside him was the man that I needed him to be. I beleived in him. I knew if I satyed strong and showed him what I knew then one day we were destined for greatness. It took A lot of exausting fights, conversations, tantrums, break ups, reality checks, and moves to do it. I had to fight for my rights literally. There were times where I became so over come with frustration that I hit him said horrible things cried so hard that I thought I would die. I thought about suicide on multiple occasions because it was so exausting. I thought dying could be easier, more peacefull, I was so tired, embarrased and I felt like a failure all the time. I was at a lot of times extremely lonely. I felt like I was a single mom even when I had a man supporting me financialy and who loved our kids unconditionally. I felt like I was doing all these amazing things as a mom and I still wasn't worthy of his love, why couldn;t he see how amazing I was? What was I doing wrong? Was it the way I looked?. No matter how good of a parent I was or how good my intentions were it was like he did everyhting in his power to destroy everything like he rejected all attempts at a happy life together. He needed to grow up with me.
     So my last option. I left him, got a job, gained independence and showed him what my life would be without him I even started hanging out with another guy (which honestly was hard but I felt like he NEEDED to see that I was worthy of being liked) it took two weeks and FINALLY he woke up.
    He needed a wake up call. This is when a Woman loves a Man. I did everything in my power to create a family. EVERYTHING. It would have been easy to give up. I didn't. I feel like this story as irresponsible and dramatic and crazy as it sounds is worth telling. Because through all the nights I hated my life, my situation, the partner I chose and all the nights I am sure he spent hating me, and our life, and all ther responsibility on his shoulders. The days and nights I felt so bad for my kids, of the instability they were being exposed to. I had deep love and passion for my children, and our future and I refused to settle for an unacceptable life. I refused to let him remain immature, to walk all over me, take control of me and spin this family into destruction. Leaving wasn't an option, the only option was for him to want the same tings as me, for us to get on the same page. I had faith. I knew one day I would be happy because I SAY SO. This is an astoudning story of an uphill battle( for both of us), of sucsess, of the ability to overcome great hurdles and battles. This is our story of our life.
    When you start your life with someone as adolecents you have to learn to grow up- but with each other. I realize this now, that everything we went through was due to immaturity and lack of respect for the "bigger picture." Our past is embarrasing and sad to think about when it comes to all the years we lost living in hate and disrespect. But it's our learning experience. That is what got us here, and now. That is what makes the relationship and marriage we have so beautiful and meaningful and strong. We know that if we could make it through that, that we can make it through anything. That if our roughest years are already past us at 23 and 25 than we have no where to go but up! We have already seen the worst in eachother, hated each other, been bitter and angry and hurtfull. We get to be better, try harder, start over. How exciting!? We have this huge adventure ahead of us.
   The saddest part about my life, now- is looking back. At that poor naive 17 year old girl who gave up everything for a boy who loved her. That boy didn't love her. That boy loved the thought of her. Loved having control over her, loved having her all to his self. That boy is not the man I know today. That boy is the enemy. I wish I could look back at that boy and say he's my highschool sweet heart, that he is the boy I fell in love with, that he is the reason I have my fairy tale, but he has nothing to do with it. Looking back it was a beautifully tanned and toned bad boy, lust, and adventure and rebellion. It was an escape, experimentation, an undying need to be grown up and in contol of my own destiny. It was foolishness.It was the best and the worst times of my life.
    I look back with sadness that all those years I spent with that boy which were wasted. That I wish those years were spent with the man I know now. The man I married, the man who plays playdough with our kids, teaches them jokes, and how to throw a ball, who attends family breakfast and sets the table and teaches manners and who thanks me for all my hard work, who kisses and tosses our baby in the air, the man who apologizes when he makes mistakes, tells me he loves me everyday and kisses me like he means it, who puts his arms around me while I am performing everyday chores, who would rather spend friday night with me going to bed early than be any where else in the world, who fixes the vaccuum, the garbage disposal, will wash a dish every now and then and read our son books before bed. The man who doesn't care what I am wearing, how my hair looks or if I am too tired to take a shower.  He is the man I love. The man who God finally took sometime to reach and touch for our family.The man of my dreams. He is the exception to the rule that "you can't change a man." He is proof that my visions of a family were not un abtainable. I am lucky I got to see my husband transform into the man he is today, but I also often morn at the part of myself I lost in the process.
      Now, I don't know for sure what happened, if I changed him, if my faith in him made a huge impact or if he just grew up and he just finally wanted it for himself. I know for sure that seven years later we are both totally different people. That this is true love. That after 7 years, 13 moves, 2 minor breakups, we have a family that we are proud of. We understand that our life isn't a fairy tale but a journey. That our kids may have missed out in the past, but they will certainly benefit in the future. That when A Woman Loves a Man great things happen. That there are such thing as miracles. That dreams come true and prayers are answered. Life happens, and its messy and complicated and at times a complete disaster, but with a little love, tears, determination and elbow grease it can also be greatness.
     I can't even tell you the last time I truly cried because of Johnny. I can't even remember the last REAL fight we had. We havn't had a physical altercation in 2 years. I can't remember the last time he put himself before his family, we havn't been poor or homeless or behind on bills. When I do cry he cares enough to reach out and do whatever he can to make it stop. When I am mad, most times he listens, and understands and does his best to fix it. When I am on a crazy rant and overwhelmed and bitching he listens and doesnt scream back in his own defense. He tries. I am truly at peace.
   We are married and said "I do" with our fourth baby on the way. We both meant it. We had our last chance to bring a baby into the world out of love and peace and honor. We were proud. We are proud of everything we accomplished together. We are even proud of the fights and the times of question. Not many people have that experience together. So through it all. I feel extremely lucky, blessed, and gratefull.

My favorite quote:
"Couples who don't fight, have nothing worth fighting for"

The man I love today was worth fighting for.

I am in love with my husband. I envy him, respect him ,admire him. I smack him on the butt in the kitchen, pick his socks off the floor rarely complaining, Make him big breakfasts before work, watch all of his annoying shows with him, let him smother and sweat on me through out the night, I apologize when I am a phsyco. I understand him, I encourage him, and after 7 years I still beleive in him and have faith in him. I envision our life growing old together.
This is no Taylor swift song. But I found my romeo at 17, and made him love me.
I love you Baby <3

Immunization Nation

    Whoa. Last night I made a post on my Facebook site about my frustration with my states inability to conform its vaccination laws just as the other states have. Boy was there alot of controversy (as there always are with such topics) I should have just blogged about it. As I have matured, I really have learned to keep mosty touchy subjects to myself, realizing that they were important to me and that is really all that matters. I want to share some of the points that were made from both sides, but most importantly I want to share mine without responding to someone in my defense. Vaccinations are a tricky subject because even being against them of course your heart is still for them.

**Let me just first say I am not a doctor, nurse or even a high school graduate. SO Obviously I am no voice of authority on the issue. I do however have strong beleifs and to me that qualifies the right to speak out about it.
    Of course I want to protect my children from disease, I just don't want to have restricted options in order to do so. The choice not to vaccinate my kids has been one of the most dehabilitating and excruciating decisions I have ever had to weigh in my mind. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't question it, regret it, feel sad or scared about it, or worry about it. It is a decision at times that makes me feel selfish, irresponsible, crazy, and restrictive as a parent. I will have to think about for all time. It is a decision that I have been learning about for 5 years and many years to come.
     See, I am pro immunization. I like them, the invention of them, the thought of them the purpose of them and appreciative of all the lives they have saved and the catastrophies we have avoided because of them. I just do not like the way vaccines are administered, manufactured, or processed. I hate the way the government and the majority of our population have ignored the astounding statistics proving that vaccinations have serious adverse reactions for a portion of their recipients. That our children are "lab rats" for the greater good of the population. That vaccines are created as a "one size fits all" solution when every human being is a very different specimen.
   

      I have chosen not to vaccinate my kids for now. For more reasons than just one, and NO Jenny McCarthy is not a reason. I did however read her book "Mother Warriors" and it made some very interesting points from her, other moms, and doctors. It was worth the read. I do not vaccinate my kids because of the ingredients: a couple are Formaldahyde, Alumminum, Animal organs, Aborted Fetal Tissue, Thimersol (which is mercury and has been removed from more immunizations but traces still exist in some vaccines from the process) Gluten, Live active viruses, and other alarming ingredients (google them its all out there for the public to see)
      I do not vaccinate because of the combination vaccine. It astounds me that scientists have decided to combine an atrocious amount of viruses, chemicals, and ingredients into one shot. It is a recipe for disaster and a huge change from how things were first conducted.
       I also do not vaccinate because of a vaccine's inability to protect children 100% from the viruses in which they claim to protect them from, meaning I am chancing it, putting harmfull things in their bodies without their consesnt without even fully protecting them, which makes no sense to me and frankly, is not worth the risk. Which brings me to the risk. The adverse statistics are enough to stop me in my tracks. (Even though I do not belevie in the CDC and beleive they are a corrupt government agency I find it interesting they put some statistics on their website and even more interesting to add that even though some kids suffer from seizures, coma, brain damage and even die- the chances in it happening to your kid are worth it.... really? so what if that was your kid ) So many children suffer from complications from these drugs ranging from fever, to seizures, to brain damage, coma, to death.
     The last reason why I do not vaccinate is I find it impossible to ignore all the signs. The testimony's from parents, the common sense it takes to see that this is a real issue to a lot of people who are being ignored. I just can't do it.

www.organic-health.us

  
        When Immunizations were first introduced they were administered one at a time, spaced out because scientists were afraid of the effect the ingredients would have on the human body. Simply put there was not enough research or evidence to prove that vaccinations were even safe (long term) on the human immune, nervous or digestive system. Then the 40's and 50's hit when parents stopped visiting doctors as regularly and doctors just started playing "catch up" sticking kids more and more without concern for consequence. If you also look back (do your research) you will also see that this is around the time we started to see more cases of complications. Autism, immune disorders, seizures, learning disabilities, and cancers became more prominent from generation to generation and now all of them are at an all time high. Now we also require an astounding 22 vaccinations. Coincidence? I think not.

    I think immunizations need to be drastically changed. I think we need to start monitoring children's immune systems and its capabilities to process vaccinations. I think that some vaccinations need to be eliminated or redesighned all together. I expecially beleive that no government or institution shall have the right to force any person to put any substance into their body.  I think that parents who have experienced tradgety in the face of vaccinations deserve a voice, and for the government and medical community to take them seriously for the greater good of all children, not just the lucky ones who process the immunizations with success.
   West Virginia and Mississippi are the only two states in this country that do not allow the religious or medical exemption from vaccinations in order to attend public or private schools. This is a outrage for me because if home schooling was not to go according to plan my, family is left with no back up. My kids are left with no choice but to stay at home even if they are unhappy or my teaching is in adequate.


Here are some of my quotes from my facebook arguments I think are worthy of sharing.

Sara said "If you want a" real job" in the "real world" someday you have to be vaccinated. Get a grip, there are much worse things in life. Everyone kid that attends public schools is required to get them.. Yes even you, because I was required and we are almost the same age."

*This statement is of ignorance and judgement. It untrue and said with no knowledge or education to back  it up. This is true to extent that this is how a lot of Americans feel and rightfully so if they have not done thier homework on immunizations. So I felt it was worthy of mention.

Here was my response: "Not true there are plenty of "real jobs" in the "real world" that do not require vacccinations. You get a grip. If you are so religious let me see you be blessed enough to give birth one day to a healthy baby and then make the consious decision to inject them with a vaccine that was cultured in aborted fetal tissue, formaldahyde and other toxic ingredients. Until you are a parent you can be passionate about other things. I had no choice whether or not I received vaccinations and if I had a choice and knew what I know today I would have refused them. Learn more, than judge and critisize."

Here is a comment from a family friend on the matter- "Do the kids that that have adverse reactions to the vaccines number in the millions??? That is the number of kids that survive because of these vaccine. And yes, some of these diseases are coming back because people are not getting vaccinated. Jenny McCarthy has done so much harm to the children of the world because she is looking for something to blame for her child's autism. Redik!!!!"

* I understand where his points are coming from. A lot of people blame Jenny McCarthy, but people will blame any one to back up and un eduacated point. It simply is not true. Jenny McCarthy didn't single handedly start a movement because she was sad her son had autism.

Here is my response- "It's not just Jenny McCarthy. Sadly celebrities just have a bigger voices and larger funds to be heard. There are real people with real experiences and horribly sad stories. Books published, articles written, blogs, there are doctors called DAN doctors (Defeat Austism Now) who have seen the link and refuse to ignore it who are for the practice or alternate vaccination or even against the practice all together. No it's not millions but it's enough. One kid is enough! You think just because millions live then thousands deserve to die for the greater good? Sorry that is just not how I feel. That to me isn't what America is about. This isn't just about autism. This is about our Nation as a whole and the severe consequences these vaccines have had on generations of Americans. We are the only country with as many vaccinations (about 21 most countries require 11) and we have the largest autism rates, obeistity rates, certain cancers and auto immune diseases affect our country more than others, asthma, diabetes,the list goes on. More people die a year hear from vaccines here than any other country. More people also live here because of vaccines but really is that the point for the "greatest country in the world"? Seriously. It is a real issue. Yes millions live and go disease free because of vaccines, but doesn't it concern you that little kids have to die or live in pain for the rest of their lives in order for that to happen? That God forbid ,that could have been your kid? It could have been one of my kids! There are real parents who are not Jenny McCarthy, hundreds, thousands who say with 100 percent conviction that their children were not born with autism. When a child is born with it you can tell from 6 months of age. These moms have normal 2 year olds laughing smiling talking learning and one day BOOM the lights go out. They are completely different children after a round of immunizations. When are people going to listen? 1 in 80! 1 in 80 children are diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder in America and Americal ONLY. NOW THAT IS "RIDIK!!!!"

I think I have showed both sides to the story. When it's boiled down there is no RIGHT WAY. Every parent is entitled to protect their children. Some parents belive to protect is to immunize and some parents beleive to protect is to do the opposite. Either way we are parenting, and both sides are concerned and it's all out of love. So even though I feel passionately about my personal opnions and beleifs I, in no way will condemn a parent of excersising the same right. It's 2013. Things are changing and I really hope soon vaccinations are included. That is my feeling on the matter. Tell me yours.

Hello Again!

    Oh my has it been awhile since I have been able to log my thoughts into a daily blog. I have to admit I missed the opportunity dearly on many occasions. The last couple of months have been an incredible journey of stress, and opportunity and experiences I will never forget.

     Let's catch up! My husband and I purchased our first home, and are in love with the rustic charm and the way it connects us with nature. Our children are extremely happy here and their ability to roam free and exlore their 3 acres of forrest. So far it's not haunted which releives me incredibly ;)  The house is from the 1950's and needed it's fair share of love and attention. We have already put on a brand new roof, rennovated both bathrooms completely from scratch, and got 100 percent moved in, and have many other projects in store. My husband being the handy man he is decided to tackle all projects on his own (besides the roof) which has been.... interesting to say the least. We often have found ourselves without a proper bathroom, living amoungst construction materials, at one point only having a path of drywall to lead us from the living area to the kitchen. To you, it may seem like a nightmare with four kids. I think I took it well. I consider it an adventure, a price to pay for owning a home, a blessing to be able to improve upon it.
     People tell you it isn't as easy as you hoped. You spend way too much time and money at Home Depot. From now on we know to add a $500.00 safety to our project budget as well as 2 weeks extra time. Things go wrong and it always seems that when they can, they do. All of the lessons and stresses aside, we are extremely pleased with the way things turned out. We are looking forward to update on our kitchen and dining room and create a fabulous family room in our very old and outdated basement.

      We have also celebrated our twins 5th birthday, a wounderful and blessed Christmas, and brought in the New Year. We finalized on our decision to homeschool and I have been spending a lot of my time learing, researching and preparing to start in September. I am so excited to give it a try, it is something that has really began to mean a lot to my husband and I.

      I am realizing more and more about myself as an adult. I am an extremely passionate person with strong beleifs. I have always seen greatness in myself. I have always felt different like I will do something BIG someday. Like, I was not destined to just be. I have never given up hope. So wether its a blog or a conversation with a friend or going above and beyond in my parenting, maybe convincing someone that something I learned is worth learning about themselves, I will do something to make a difference to make my mark. I think I am learning that I have so much faith in myself. That I beleive that anything is possible, that I don't HAVE to be like everyone else. I like that about myself. So with all of that, I am so happy to be back. I am just HAPPY. That in itself is an accomplishment so worthy of sharing, because it took me so long to get here. I am happy with who I see in the mirror even though shes no super model, I am happy with my home, my children, and so incredibly happy in my marriage(which honestly I was not sure i'd ever be able to say while truly meaning it we have been to hell and back and worked EXTREMELY hard to get here) I am looking forward to sharing my experiences as a mom, teacher, wife, and semi-normal person. Share my humor, my knowledge, my strengths and my weaknesses, my tips about food/eating/family meals which is something I feel very strongly about. I hope that someone gets something out of me having a blog, but most of all I am most looking forward to what I get out of it.

    Happy New Years! I was truly blessed in 2012. I just hope we continue to get better with age :)

21 questions to ask your kids!!!!!!!!

I havn't posted in a while but things have been busy. I decided to do a little project tonight with my kids before bed that I found on pinterest I asked them 21 questions and got each individual answer.
Sienna only answered a few she is too young I think. The answers really touched my heart and made me see what my kids really think and value about me/our relationship. It is suprising to see the things they remember and what they think about you.
THE MOST INTERESTING - I did the questions in private with each kid so they didnt hear each others answers. It is funny how alike all the answers are!


1. What does mommy always say to you?
Cayden: Go to bed, Brush your teeth, eat breakfast
Madison:Rules
Sienna: Don't go outside (alone)


2.What makes mommy really happy?
Cayden: Helping you clean
Madison:Listening

3. What doesn't make mommy very happy?
Cayden: When we don't listen to you
Madison: when we don't listen
(They know this!!! now I know for a fact I am not too hard on them when they don't listen)

4.How does mommy make you laugh?
Cayden: Tickling me
Madison: Tickle us
Sienna: Tickle me


5.What was mommy like when she was a kid?
Cayden: Toys (Have no idea what that means)
Madison: ME!!


6.How old do you think mommy is?
Cayden: 7!
Madison (started to say 20) then told me I had to to tell her the answer and then settled with 13
Sienna: 5


7.How tall do you think mommy is?
Cayden: super giant
Madison: Really tall
Sienna: holds her arms as high as they go


8.What is mommy's favorite thing to do?
Cayden: cook breakfast
Madison: color with us, play with us, love us


9. What does mommy do when you are not around?
Cayden: ............
Madison: nothing.... goes on a date
Sienna: looks for us


Unfortunately I lost the paper I wrote this down on. I just got my computer back up since the move. I still wanted to post the 9 questions anyway. I loved this little Q&A. It made me feel like a good mom.