The Best Version of Myself?

Okay, I think I am over the hump- past the miserable boredom, self loathing and pessimistic attitude. I don't know if it was just a particularly bad month, or what but man was I not feeling it a couple weeks ago. I allowed myself another week of whatevers and food bingeing and laziness and vowed to make a CHANGE. It is the first chance I have to focus on me. Of course I always usually eat healthy and I am a busy mom so it's not like I eat crap and watch soaps, but I have had 4 kids in 4 years and I am just figuring it all out. My baby is 1 and more predictable, my tubes are tied meaning no more pregnancies, and my other kids can spare an hour or two a day. So it's a no brainer that it's time to get back to the old Carissa. I need to be healthy and active to keep up with them, I need to be a good example and I need to be confident and beautiful to feel good, have more energy, and better moods.

I need to start getting healthy and shed this 30 pounds I have put on over the last 5 years of marriage and child rearing. Maybe it's the way my clothes fit, the time it takes me to get out of breath, I can tell a difference in my back, joints and knees and calfs because my core is so weak, or the way certains foods make me feel or how my 5 year olds laugh at me and ask why my belly is so big ;) it's time.

This is me at my Skinniest:

17 years old about 150/160 lbs (very athletic so lots of muscle)

wore a size 10

no muffin top or jiggly parts I was very fit, healthy, toned and porportional

I looked great in a bikini, short shorts and tanks

I was super confident ;)

I bounced right back after the twins

I didn't fit into my pre-mom clothes

but I felt good and looked good

I swam alot, took walks, watched what I ate

I think I was about 170lbs

I was 19 years old

This was when I was three months pregnant with our last baby

Not lookin to fit :(

The first trimester of pregnancy was always really hard on me

pale, sick, unhealthy foods were craved, low energy

About 187-190 here and wearing a size 14

22 years old

9months prengnant with out last son

about 210 lbs and still fit in all of my pre pregnancy clothes

felt great, thought I looked great ate SUPER RIDICULOUSLY HEALTHY :)

22 years old

*This is me TODAY- 23 years old, 13 months post pasrtum (after 4 kids and 5 years)

Not at my heaviest but I weighed less than this 2 weeks post partum

I think I weigh about 190

(I don't think I look 190 and my husband thought I was JOKING he said there is no way)

My goal is to be 30 lbs lighter than this by August

MY GOAL- 160

MY LAST GOAL- 145????

*I really want to focus on my arms, shoulders, I want my face to be thinner and my butt to be the way it was before I had kids. I want to shrink and tone my tummy but I am fully awar that after 3 c sections and twins itll prob NEVER look good without a shirt ;)

So last monday I finally had an activated iPhone and access to My Fitness Pal 24/7 which seriously is a tremendous help. We made a huge healthy grocery trip on our date day on Saturday (how romantic) so I had all the tools AND the motivation.

I want to look good in my mom-kini (you know the tankini with the super high rise slimming bottoms so really its a one peice) I want to be proud of my tan legs in my awesome mom shorts! I want to go spring clothes shopping and buy that tank dress, and feel confident in it. So I am going to do it. Stop waiting till tomorrow, or when I have a treadmill or when I can buy cute work out clothes or YADA YADA... AND JUST DO IT.

Monday, I started logging my calories, reducing to 1,290 a day. I needed to get used to it so I didn't pressure myself to work out. I stretched and did some strength stuff. I made it till today, Friday- and gave a go at a work out. My husband joined me since it's our off season for Landscaping. I put Jackson to nap and the others with a movie and we got dressed and headed outside. We did a good amount of cardio- we walked/hiked/jogged our woods, and did laps around our house! I got my heart rate going and saw where I was at.... which is.. out of shape. I am still proud for trying my hardest :) I headed inside for 300 crunches, squats and leg lifts and butt excersisies and all kids of good stuff. I felt amazing :) I burnt 530 calories and had enough energy to get all of my chores done!

Week 1 is going great, I think I beat the winter blues the weather is lookin up, spring is right around the corner and I am excited to meet it- rid of my "winter coat".

I do find that when you feel life has you down. When it seems miserable and boring and mundane and you just want to make excuses and do what feels good. It is on you to make a change. To tell yourself the opposite. To think yourself happy and positive again. It is so easy to allow yourself to be depressed, to look in the mirror and feel like you are not yourself. You just got to beleive in you. You have got to want to want more for yourself. Everyone has an off week, or month, or year... but that't life! It's your ability to bounce back, to be strong enough to make a change and to have will power.

 I want to feel good I want to look good and be confident I want my husband to think I look good... so it's up to me. I can do it and I will do it. When it comes down to it I am a mom, and a good one, so if there is ever a time when my health comes last than thats just the way it is. I can eat healthy all I want but by the time your done taking care of 5 other people it can be really hard to take care of myself. Sometimes the grocery budget is low and perfect foods are not an option. I will never be one of those gym/zumba/spinning moms because I would never be able to skip out for a couple hours alone everyday or want to spend that much time or money on my own vanity - monthly. My kids need me to be there and be present so I am doing my best with what I have. I don't want to be one of those moms who puts her own looks before her kids. I dont have time to do my hair everyday, or go for a run or go to the tanning salon. I don't want to be skinny or a milf. I just want to be the best version of Carissa as my lifestyle allows me to, and really thats all I can expect for now.

I dont have a scale but I need to buy one. Scales really un motivate me because I was so athletic my whole life and still have an extreme amount of leg muscle, and an unusually large head (HA HA) so it always reads so high when I don't look it. I will have to buy one anyway. I shall keep you posted on my progress or on my lack there of. But hopefully it's all progress :)

<3 thanks for reading
Carissa

Winter Blues?

      Okay so it has been a while since my last post, but honeslty my life is just lacking inspiration.

I feel like I am in the movie "Groundhog Day" the same thing just happens over and over and over again.

I can't help but blame winter. It is just dragging on and on with no real winter magic to make it worth it. No snow, or frigid temperature. Christmas came and went, business slowed down, I am stuck. In this in between of Winter and Spring. I am a pretty positive non depressive, upbeat person, but please allow me a moment to complain and vent.

     I literally wake up at the crack of dawn kids begging for food like I havn't fed them in Years. For just once I would like to beat them to the punch and have some coffee in peace and quiet. Like, I seriously get harrased from the second I open my eyes. There is no peace for a stay at home mom, and I am painfully out numbered. Then bring on the guilt because while your innocent little children are awake and ready to have the best day of their lives (everyday, it's ridiculously optimistic) all I want to do it pull the covers over my head until it is spring. I am a grouchy momma bear in my cave- I want to punch all intruders IN. THE. FACE. Maybe someone should just punch me in the face?

Me and Madison Practicing our sad face ;)

    

     So I'm up it's 7:30 am, I'm making coffee and of course a ridiculously gourmet food pyramid feast of a breakfast, maybe making a list or two of chores, or wishes and dreams for the day I could accomplish if I decide that days free time won't be taken up by facebook stalking, pinteresting, texting my equally unproductive in the winter-best friend, and catching up on the shows I was too tired to watch the night before. Mean while all three of my older kids are fighting (over gum, or who's best friends with who that day, or why I can't make bacon), and my little 1 year old is playing in the toilet, licking the dog or stuck on top of some peice of furniture and can't get down. Then the day just drags on and on from there. It is all just a slow paced fat peoples race to the finish line. You know? Walk and stop and walk and catch your breath and you-will-make-it-what's-the-clock-say. Is it bedtime yet?

     I'm folding the laundry even though I know it all just be unfolded in a day or two, I am cooking all these fabulous meals meanwhile just counting the dwindling supply from my weekly grocery trip, I am scrubbing, and wiping, and bathing, and teaching, and giving individual attention, and picking shit up of the floor that know one ever seems to know where it belongs. Why do I do this again? Oh because it'll all be worth it in the end?? Just shoot me now or someone HIRE ME.
    Which brings me back to the guilt :( UGH Summer is like a friggin carvival. It's all-  "how much fun can I have with my kids? Best mom award? they love me!!!! let's get a tan, learn to swim, play at the park till we die, bring pizza home, ice cream EVERYNIGHT, catch lightning bugs, smores, excersise, sing  loud Taylo Swift songs in the car, play outside all day long till you're begging to come in, and drain daddy's wallet -AWESOMENESS". I have all the patience in the free world. I can multi task, and wake up at the crack of dawn in a super mood doing cartwheels, winking at my sexy self in the mirror, having my 3rd load of laundry done by 9am.
     Then, there is this. I am horrible. I don't want to hear them. I literally like want the house divided into a grown up zone and a kid zone- the blue prints are in development. Somedays I just want to turn the tv on ALL DAY LONG and lock them in my room. Am I bi -polar? hmmm. Is this normal?
     I just need for it to be spring. I need to wear smaller clothes to stop hiding my fat and force me to go anorexic ;) I need a tread mill, and the sun and my kids to GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY. I need to be able to make errands with them, without having to worry about them catching the flu, or AIDS, or, mumps or ebola. I NEED OUT OF THIS DAMNED HOUSE.

SO moms and gents, this is my relatable blog post this month- here's to the blissfull winter weather and the gratifying effect it has on the stay at home mom. May the lord be with us in this extreme time of need. Until then I will be chugging coffee, taking lotts of deep breaths, avoiding the mirror (expecially my growing lip hair and out of control eyebrows) hate my skin, ignore my paleness, drinking health shakes, and continue to nag my husband to buy me a treadmill and a pool membership, oh and of course I shall complain.
Till next time

<3 Carissa