I have talked about my husband and his ability to love me, and grow with me and continue to change for me and our family in our best interest. I have not talked about how we got here. It has not always been this way. I have not always admired my husband, been proud of my husband or even liked my husband. John hasn't always been my husband because I wouldn't marry him until it was a decision I felt strongly about. Until he was the man I needed him to be. Until I could stand up there and say I do and be a gushing bride and truly mean it. I loved our kids and tried my best to have faith in our future but I couldn't lie to myself to that extent.
When you are young and in love your brain turns to mush and literally all you consider as comparison to real life are scenes from Romeo and Juliet, or romantic comedies starring your favorite actresses. To be desired and loved and captured by someone was so appealing you would do anything to get it. That was me, I was 17 and in love with the forbidden 20 year old bad boy. My parents strongly disapproved. We snuck around and were convinced that our love was all that mattered in the world. All the while engaging in over dramatic, fights or jelousy and immaturity. Even still I envisioned his love for me, that he would do anything for me, die for me all because he told me he would take me away if my parents wouldn't. What a joke. I was 17 and willing to give up my whole life for this boy, who couldn't keep a job or stay out of trouble to save his life, who yelled at me, called me horrible names was too immature to want good for me, but who "loved me". Who on the first day we met I felt an uncanning connection to. What was it? Was it fate? If it wasn't my mushy hormone induced brain was going to tell me it was. What is was, was an abusive relationship at it's finest and it wasn't just him.
We of course decided it was too much to lie to my parents to sneak around, I began to feel so torn from the fighting and disapointing them, that I felt my only option was to run away. They didn't really stop me. I don't blame them looking back I was a nightmare. I never did anything right I had already dropped out of school, spent my time with the friends I had left (Johnny was really jelous and controlling) or on my phone. I even kicked my mom out of celebrating my 17th birthday with me and never came home for family cake and ice cream. I spent weekends working, going to parties, drinking, staying out past curfew without calling, sleeping in, sneaking out of my bedroom window to get high, yelling at my mom because she didn't buy me enough, drive me enough, or give me enough. Looking back I deserved everything I got that followed.
I move out with Johnny we end up staying at his grandmas house for a while and it was great. He made good money we spent all of our time together playing scrabble, watching tv, going on dates, involved in a very "physical relationship". I had a cervical cancer scare which kind of forced my mom to talk to me again. Then I decided I wanted kids just incase the cancer came back or the scar on my cervix would heal to where I couldn't conceive. We got our first place together a big 1800's farm house with a lot of charm and starting trying to conceive. He wanted kids also and agreed it was the best thing. It was once I got pregnant I guess that the pressure was on. He knew he needed to propose and basically his freedom was over. I knew that he was a tempermental unsupportive selfish asshole who refused to help around the house or think about my feelings. I was a naggy, bitchy, clingy over emotional WRECK I had normal teenage hormones that caused me to be phsyco at times and then I added pregnancy hormones. I expected too much from him knowing who he was when I moved in with him. He had an ability to ignore my feelings and emotions completely, call names, and critisize me. Even the night I told him I was pregnant we had a huge fight before and I was scared to be pregnant. Worried that this was a very bad decision.
From there it was a uphill battle for stability, normalcy and a healthy relationship. I saw my life turning out a certain way and I refused to settle for the life he was willing to give me. He was okay with switching jobs, not paying rent and making irresponsible choices. He was even okay with not being the perfect couple I was not. I wanted to do this right, not be another teenage statistic, be an exception to the rule. Be the sucsess story. We went from place to place I ended up working a little during my pregnancy finding out that I was having twins at 4 months pregnant. WOAH. I was so terrified, because I was so unhappy with my relationship and the dad I chose for my kids, that I would lay awake silently shaking and crying in fear, praying God would miscarry one of them because I just could not imangine caring for two babies on my own. Back then I was on my own with everything besides money. I didn't have a partner, someone to care for me or help me or be there for me. He was there, he stayed he never cheated or stayed out with friends or even technically "did me wrong" but I can tell it wasn't TRUE love he didn't care about me the way a mature, ready, supportive boyfriend would love his pregnant girlfriend... well fiance at the time.
I truly loved Johnny. Always. I had faith in him. I knew somewhere inside him was the man that I needed him to be. I beleived in him. I knew if I satyed strong and showed him what I knew then one day we were destined for greatness. It took A lot of exausting fights, conversations, tantrums, break ups, reality checks, and moves to do it. I had to fight for my rights literally. There were times where I became so over come with frustration that I hit him said horrible things cried so hard that I thought I would die. I thought about suicide on multiple occasions because it was so exausting. I thought dying could be easier, more peacefull, I was so tired, embarrased and I felt like a failure all the time. I was at a lot of times extremely lonely. I felt like I was a single mom even when I had a man supporting me financialy and who loved our kids unconditionally. I felt like I was doing all these amazing things as a mom and I still wasn't worthy of his love, why couldn;t he see how amazing I was? What was I doing wrong? Was it the way I looked?. No matter how good of a parent I was or how good my intentions were it was like he did everyhting in his power to destroy everything like he rejected all attempts at a happy life together. He needed to grow up with me.
So my last option. I left him, got a job, gained independence and showed him what my life would be without him I even started hanging out with another guy (which honestly was hard but I felt like he NEEDED to see that I was worthy of being liked) it took two weeks and FINALLY he woke up.
He needed a wake up call. This is when a Woman loves a Man. I did everything in my power to create a family. EVERYTHING. It would have been easy to give up. I didn't. I feel like this story as irresponsible and dramatic and crazy as it sounds is worth telling. Because through all the nights I hated my life, my situation, the partner I chose and all the nights I am sure he spent hating me, and our life, and all ther responsibility on his shoulders. The days and nights I felt so bad for my kids, of the instability they were being exposed to. I had deep love and passion for my children, and our future and I refused to settle for an unacceptable life. I refused to let him remain immature, to walk all over me, take control of me and spin this family into destruction. Leaving wasn't an option, the only option was for him to want the same tings as me, for us to get on the same page. I had faith. I knew one day I would be happy because I SAY SO. This is an astoudning story of an uphill battle( for both of us), of sucsess, of the ability to overcome great hurdles and battles. This is our story of our life.
When you start your life with someone as adolecents you have to learn to grow up- but with each other. I realize this now, that everything we went through was due to immaturity and lack of respect for the "bigger picture." Our past is embarrasing and sad to think about when it comes to all the years we lost living in hate and disrespect. But it's our learning experience. That is what got us here, and now. That is what makes the relationship and marriage we have so beautiful and meaningful and strong. We know that if we could make it through that, that we can make it through anything. That if our roughest years are already past us at 23 and 25 than we have no where to go but up! We have already seen the worst in eachother, hated each other, been bitter and angry and hurtfull. We get to be better, try harder, start over. How exciting!? We have this huge adventure ahead of us.
The saddest part about my life, now- is looking back. At that poor naive 17 year old girl who gave up everything for a boy who loved her. That boy didn't love her. That boy loved the thought of her. Loved having control over her, loved having her all to his self. That boy is not the man I know today. That boy is the enemy. I wish I could look back at that boy and say he's my highschool sweet heart, that he is the boy I fell in love with, that he is the reason I have my fairy tale, but he has nothing to do with it. Looking back it was a beautifully tanned and toned bad boy, lust, and adventure and rebellion. It was an escape, experimentation, an undying need to be grown up and in contol of my own destiny. It was foolishness.It was the best and the worst times of my life.
I look back with sadness that all those years I spent with that boy which were wasted. That I wish those years were spent with the man I know now. The man I married, the man who plays playdough with our kids, teaches them jokes, and how to throw a ball, who attends family breakfast and sets the table and teaches manners and who thanks me for all my hard work, who kisses and tosses our baby in the air, the man who apologizes when he makes mistakes, tells me he loves me everyday and kisses me like he means it, who puts his arms around me while I am performing everyday chores, who would rather spend friday night with me going to bed early than be any where else in the world, who fixes the vaccuum, the garbage disposal, will wash a dish every now and then and read our son books before bed. The man who doesn't care what I am wearing, how my hair looks or if I am too tired to take a shower. He is the man I love. The man who God finally took sometime to reach and touch for our family.The man of my dreams. He is the exception to the rule that "you can't change a man." He is proof that my visions of a family were not un abtainable. I am lucky I got to see my husband transform into the man he is today, but I also often morn at the part of myself I lost in the process.
Now, I don't know for sure what happened, if I changed him, if my faith in him made a huge impact or if he just grew up and he just finally wanted it for himself. I know for sure that seven years later we are both totally different people. That this is true love. That after 7 years, 13 moves, 2 minor breakups, we have a family that we are proud of. We understand that our life isn't a fairy tale but a journey. That our kids may have missed out in the past, but they will certainly benefit in the future. That when A Woman Loves a Man great things happen. That there are such thing as miracles. That dreams come true and prayers are answered. Life happens, and its messy and complicated and at times a complete disaster, but with a little love, tears, determination and elbow grease it can also be greatness.
I can't even tell you the last time I truly cried because of Johnny. I can't even remember the last REAL fight we had. We havn't had a physical altercation in 2 years. I can't remember the last time he put himself before his family, we havn't been poor or homeless or behind on bills. When I do cry he cares enough to reach out and do whatever he can to make it stop. When I am mad, most times he listens, and understands and does his best to fix it. When I am on a crazy rant and overwhelmed and bitching he listens and doesnt scream back in his own defense. He tries. I am truly at peace.
We are married and said "I do" with our fourth baby on the way. We both meant it. We had our last chance to bring a baby into the world out of love and peace and honor. We were proud. We are proud of everything we accomplished together. We are even proud of the fights and the times of question. Not many people have that experience together. So through it all. I feel extremely lucky, blessed, and gratefull.
My favorite quote:
"Couples who don't fight, have nothing worth fighting for"
The man I love today was worth fighting for.
I am in love with my husband. I envy him, respect him ,admire him. I smack him on the butt in the kitchen, pick his socks off the floor rarely complaining, Make him big breakfasts before work, watch all of his annoying shows with him, let him smother and sweat on me through out the night, I apologize when I am a phsyco. I understand him, I encourage him, and after 7 years I still beleive in him and have faith in him. I envision our life growing old together.
This is no Taylor swift song. But I found my romeo at 17, and made him love me.
I love you Baby <3
